Blog Post - Eleven Blocks to Active Listening

THINGS THAT HINDER ACTIVELISTENING AND HOW TO AVOID THEM

By Chris Breedon

There are many instances where mediators, coaches and counsellors must actively listen to their clients. Actively listening is not just hearing what the client is saying but listening in a way that allows us to connect with their emotions. However, it is a skill that needs practice and even the well-versed need to frequently reflect on their skills. There area number of things that can just get in the way if we allow it and we need to be aware of these and their impact on us as professionals.

1: DISTRACTIONS 

Distractions redirect our focus and are the most obvious block to listening.

External Distractions

There are a significant number of distractions that we cannot control including, but not limited to: Noises from the venue itself, movement, and interruptions by other people. There are some, however, that we can control:

Looking at our phone.

Looking around the room.

Moving around the room.

Typing on our laptop.

Making copious notes.

Are all things we often do without thinking, but, when we do we’re failing to give our full attention to our speaker.

Internal Distractions

When we feel unwell, physically or mentally, it can also be difficult to concentrate. Our reactions to hurtful or harmful statements made by the speaker and those we disagree with, can be almost hard to ignore and set of a chain of thoughts and emotions in us. What we hear can be reinforced by tone and body language.

How do we avoid these distractions?

Try moving to a different location, a change of venue can really help our ability to effectively listen. Sometimes, it might be better to go for a walk instead of sitting in a room so consider asking the speaker to walk with you. You could also offer this if you feel that the speaker is uneasy. Many people are often most talkative when they are walking.

If you do sit in a room, use Egan’s SOLAR model for how you position yourself in relation to the speaker. Ideally sit squarely in front of the speaker, so you can see and hear them clearly. 

If distractions can’t be controlled effectively consider postponing the conversation. However, we need to make sure the delay doesn’t stop the conversation for ever. You need to show interest and concern and explain yourself clearly. For example, if you’re in the canteen and a co-worker tells you they want to leave their partner, it’s perfectly fine to say, “Wow, do you need to talk? If so, why don’t you come to my office where we can be free from distractions and other people overhearing? I want to give you my full attention and guess you have a lot your need to get off your mind.”

Technology pervades very aspect of our day, and we can be easily distracted by it. When you are mediating, coaching or just listening, turn off your mobile, computer, or TV or radio or mute them as an alternative. If you’re expecting an important text or call from someone which you must take, let the speaker know beforehand. It’s much less distracting and annoying to anticipate when that interruption comes if the speaker is aware of it. Generally, though it’s much better to clear your diary if you have enough advance warning so interruptions and distractions are minimised.

If you are unable to concentrate on listening to the speaker, you must be honest. It is much more respectful to explain that you’re struggling to focus at the moment than to plough on regardless – they will soon pick up on your distraction.

If the conversation is based on a personal conflict you have with the speaker, the conflict itself can be a distraction. Conflict Resolution Skills are a must here. You need to be cognisant of how you react to conflict and how you communicate under stressful conditions. DISC profiling can help here.

2: GIVING UNSOLICITED ADVICE

Most of us want to be help solve other people’s problems. The trouble is giving advice which has not been asked for yet is not listening. If someone is coming to you for advice, they probably just want you to simply listen to them. Giving unsolicited advice blocks your ability to hear what they really need.

Despite what many of us think we don’t need to have all the answers to be a good listener. 

If the person asks for your advice before you give it ask them exactly what they are asking, then offer a potential range of options.

How do we avoid giving unsolicited advice?

Ask a range of open-ended questions, these are invitations to chat and not direct questions that invite ‘yes/no’ answers. “ 

What’ and ‘How’ are good exploring questions.

‘When’, ‘Where’ and ‘Who’ are good action / future questions.

Avoid ‘Why’.  This can sound accusative.

Sometimes closed questions can be better than open ones, e.g. “Do you know what you’re going to do?” (If yes, you may not need to go further.)

Remember: always to give the space for the thinker to do their own thinking, so allow the silence when the presenter is clearly thinking. (Watch their eyes for a clue: looking away is often a sign that they’re thinking.)

When you’re tempted to offer advice, you must assume that the speaker is the expert at finding the solutions to their own problem. Generally, the best advice for the speaker is self-advice, they’re merely looking for someone to bounce ideas off. The best way to help is by listening effectively.

When possible, reflect the key points the speaker made and highlight any solutions you heard them give. Because they have been fully engaged in telling their story they may well have missed these.

3: MAKING ASSUMPTIONS

When you find yourself beginning to make assumptions, take note. We make assumptions about many things. Assumptions are based on our Unconscious Bias; essentially, they are short cuts which the brain likes to use. Everyone has biases and they are fundamental to our survival – they can be negative and positive. Biases can often lead to misperceptions. When we make assumptions, we are not actively listening.

The ladder of inference is a theory developed by organizational psychologist Chris Argyris. It highlights the mental process used from the moment we receive information to our decisions or actions. It is also known as the Journey of Inference.

The way we perceive reality is shaped by our history, experiences and beliefs. The same set of ‘facts’ can be interpreted in different ways by different people depending on their perspective. This is also known as the Rashomon effect.

Biases can be useful and may help us anticipate what someone else is feeling or thinking, especially if we know them well. Such relationships feed into our unconscious mind and shape our perceptions. Unfortunately, this can also result in prejudice which is the impact of our bias. If unchecked biases can result in destructive stereotyping and discrimination.

How do we avoid making assumptions?

Firstly, be aware of your biases! You can easily find out about your biases by taking at least at least one of Harvard’s free implicit bias tests. Despite the fact they might be uncomfortable they are useful in developing self-awareness. Don’t worry about this – remember everyone on the planet has biases. Once you understand and appreciate how yours work you can take steps to counter them, although you will never eradicate them.

Be aware and acknowledge any triggers you might have of the speaker. These could be toxic and create destructive patterns that evolve into assumptions and misunderstanding.

Become familiar with the ladder/journey of inference. Understand how it works and how it can influence the thinking of the speaker when recalling events and you when listening to them.

When you realise that you are making assumption and/or are applying your biases then take a deep breath, reset and clear your thoughts.

4: TOXIC POSITIVITY 

Toxic positivity is a block to listening. When you are overly positive you can undermine the speaker and close them down. Likewise, when you dismiss the speaker’s emotions you show that you are not listening. Pointing out silver linings, telling someone ‘’it could be worse’’ and amplifying this with statements like “at least you’re not dying,” are examples of toxic positivity.

Despite your best intentions, evidence shows that telling someone to “look on the bright side” actually intensifies negative emotions.

How do you avoid toxic positivity?

Remember to reflect, restate and validate the speaker’s emotions.

According to Blum, research has shown that, “food is sustenance, but a good hug is life itself.” If your intuition tells you the speaker would welcome it, try reaching out with the touch of your hand or a hug. However, seek permission before you do so. Your intuition might be wrong, and you could make matters a whole lot worse.

If you find it hard to deal with someone’s negative emotions or you don’t know what to say or how best to respond, try silence. Silence is golden, remember the power of the pause.

5: REHEARSING YOURRESPONSE 

When someone is relating a story to you it often triggers your own memories. This is in itself a distraction but more often than not you find yourself drifting into your own memory and starting to compare and think about a response. For example, your friend is excited to tell you that his son has joined the army and shares details of the training that the son is undergoing. You are suddenly flooded with memories of the time you spent in the army which you hugely enjoyed.

Your mind wanders something like this:

“I loved the Army. I left way to early. I wonder what its like now? Does the same 10 mile run still exist? Hey, I’ll ask my friend to find out from his son. Oh, wait, he’s still talking...”

While you haven’t interrupted you have stopped listening.

Your thoughts continue as your friend is talking. You have the best of intentions by not interrupting your friend. Worried that you’ll forget what you wanted to say, you make a mental checklist of what to say once your friend stops talking.

The messages that you are rehearsing in your mind stop you actually listening.

How can we avoid rehearsing our responses?

Dump the thoughts and give the speaker your full attention and listen – they are the priority.

If it is essential to the process, then try writing those interrupting thoughts down. Then quickly return attention to the conversation. 

6: NEGATIVE FILTERING 

Negative filtering is a when we filter and limit what we “hear”. We begin to question our ability and role in the conversation.

Examples include:

“This is over my head. I can’t possibly comprehend.”

“Why me?”

“They must think I’m stupid.”

“But what about me?”

They must think I’m a terrible person.”

“I feel inadequate.”

“I’m not good at this”

“I am not prepared for this.”

“They’re questioning my judgement.”

“I can’t help them!”

When filtering, we process information through a set of limiting thoughts and our own beliefs.

How can we avoid filtering?

Know yourself and what you can handle and what you can’t.

As much as you can, be prepared.

Our negative filtering is a result of up bringing, culture and can change depending on the context. Be aware of it and how it determines how we see the world around us. Like Unconscious Bias we can control the filter.

Remove any inner negativity.

Learn to value the silence, respect the power of the pause. Ask open-ended questions to get back on track.

7: DERAILING 

Another typical block to listening is when you change the topic of conversation this is derailment. Essentially you have, hijacked the conversation and stopped listening.

For example, in a meeting someone might start talking to another attendee, while another colleague is addressing the meeting. This detracts from what the colleague is saying and has effectively derailed the conversation.

Changing the conversation into a debate is also derailment. Such instances may be innocent but to the speaker it may feel like an ambush. Not everyone thrives on competition and in situations like this, many people feel threatened and will stop speaking.

By derailing the conversation, you cannot listen to what the speaker is trying to say.

How can we avoid derailing?

Offer compassion, empathy and undivided attention to the speaker.

Don’t change the subject or create unnecessary debate.

8: DEFENSIVENESS

Defensiveness changes the focus of the conversation onto you and away from the speaker. Sometimes it’s a knee-jerk reaction to something that you hear and is impossible to avoid. Generally, it’s a subconscious response generated from our Amygdala.

The Amygdala is a part of our brain responsible for emotions. When it senses crisis or danger, it orders a flood of adrenalin into the body. This burns up blood sugar and inhibits the operation of the frontal cortex – the centre for logical thought. It will send us into fight, flight or freeze mode – an Amygdala ‘Hijack’.

Defensiveness can immediately kill a conversation. Body language, as well as words, can also be defensive.

How can we avoid defensiveness?

Stop thinking about what the speaker thinks or feels about you, just listen to what they are saying and listen out for their ‘needs’. Focus on what they are saying.

Remember empathy is key to understanding. Try to ‘hear’ the feelings behind what is being said.

Maintain self-control. When you feel the adrenalin kick in, take some deep breaths. This will burn off the adrenalin and allow blood sugar back to the frontal cortex which will allow you to think logically.

9: JUDGING

We all judge. Judgement can be obvious, “Why did you wear that?” Or it can be subtle, “Oh, horizontal stripes make you look fat.”

JUDGEMENT CAN BE POSITIVE.

Praise is a good example of positive judgement for example, “That is a great idea.”

We judge others based on our lived experience and our history with the speaker and/or our assumptions about what they are saying. If you start a sentence with, “At least…” you are also being judgmental because this devalues the pain someone is feeling.

How can we avoid being judgmental? 

Choose your words carefully.

Ask open-ended questions.

Be curious and open to new information. 

Keep focused on the issue and the needs.

Make sure you tone of voice and body language doesn’t express any negativity or challenge.

10: COMPARING

Comparing is when we, often unconsciously, divert the focus from the speaker’s story onto a similar experience of our own. We do this in everyday conversations with friends and family and it can make for a lively conversation. However, it can also be frustrating for the person who just wants you to listen.

Ambushing a conversation with a comparison can be humiliating to the speaker. It can make them feel undermined and humiliated. Despite your innocent intent the speaker is likely to see your comparison as one of the other distractions in this narrative. When someone needs to feel heard, a comparison which ambushes that chance can lead to misunderstanding, stress and conflict.

How can we avoid comparing? 

Be curious throughout the conversation.

Ask open-ended questions.

Keep the focus on the speaker and their needs.

11: PLAYING DEVIL’SADVOCATE 

Playing the Devil’s advocate is a severe block to listening and stops conversation in its tracks. This can be extremely frustrating to the speaker, and you may come across as someone challenging what they are saying especially when emotions are high. For you this might be a healthy debate, for the speaker it will look more like confrontation. They are likely to become defensive and conflict might not be far behind. When you play the devil’s advocate, you are not listening.

How do we avoid playing the devil’s advocate:

Don’t assume the speaker has the same desire as you to engage in debate. 

Be curious.

Ask open-ended questions.

Be empathetic and offer validation.

12: TALKING TOO MUCH

Clearly talking too much is a block to listening. There are two categories of talking too much:

THE OVER TALKERS.

The Co-operative over talkers they are used to interruptions, loud voices, tell tall tales and constant chatter. When everyone is happy with this style and equally involved in the conversation and not feeling ambushed, it can work well. However, for someone not used to this style it can be overpowering.

‍OVER TALKERS GIVE LONG-WINDED DETAILS.

Over talkers often over-explain the detail of their story. They can be irresistible, and people may be too polite to stop them.  Over talkers often lack self-awareness.  They may be afraid of rising emotions, so they inject toxic positivity, discussed previously. Over talkers can’t possibly listen well emotions because they talk too much. Eventually, the speaker gets discouraged or bored and stops talking.

THE TALK OVER PEOPLE

The second category are the talk-over people. They hijack conversations using many of the blocks to listening. Often, they wait for just the right moment ambush the conversation and become the centre of attention.

They can’t be bothered to listen anymore, and this could be for any number of reasons. These derailment tactics, even if unintentional, can feel hostile to the speaker. Eventually, the speaker will give up and stop talking.

How can we avoid talking too much?

Be alive to your own ‘EQ’ do you fit into either of these categories?

Try offering silence more i.e. listen. 

When you feel the urge to interrupt, take a deep breath. This helps to slow you down and gives you a chance to reset.

Conflicts cannot always be avoided in fact they are inevitable. However, they can be managed effectively. By building on your listening skills it’s possible to overcome the blocks that get in the way of effective listening.

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